I downloaded an addon for my browser yesterday that allows me to block websites/webpages/really any part of the web I wish to with no overrides. Sure, I can just remove the addon, but it’s working so far. It’s a victory for my focus and time spent, but a part of me is angry I had to do something like this. Sentiments like ‘why do I have to stoop this low to accomplish this,’ ‘why was it this garbage site that made me take this step,’ and my personal favorite, the little spark of unwarranted superiority that tries to assert itself when I saw someone else complain online about how much time they were spending on the site.

I don’t mind saying the name of the website: Reddit. By ‘don’t mind’ I of course mean I am burning with shame at having developed a problem with Reddit of all things. I never browse 4chan as much as it, even in my teenage heyday. It was just the main page too, mindless scrolling. I refrained from commenting or voting, a small allowance to my pointless arrogance which rationalized that engagement was an even further depth of embarrassment. If you get the chance, you might as well put your dumber thoughts to work I suppose.

This isn’t to say that I think Reddit is a fine website that I unreasonably hate. No, it’s hot garbage and I fundamentally despise the structure centered around up/downvotes. I also loathe the community that’s built around it—but not the members of that community. I’m glad people have a place, I just wish it was better than Reddit.

And yet, there I was. Browsing, consuming, on phone and desktop instead of doing things I’d enjoy more or, Heaven forbid, being productive in avenues I actually appreciate. It’s insidious, how our emotions—especially our negative ones—can trick us into cycles of self-abuse. Even if said abuse is as mild as subjecting oneself to the ten-thousandth vaguepost on the latest /r/okbuddy derivative. Reader, Bobrov or actual rare human, you must understand how much it hurts me to admit I understand what that means.

To address my irrational Reddit hate, I remind myself smaller and more niche communities on there do exist, are often quiet and useful, and often include useful information. That’s part of the logic of me using an addon and not modifying my hosts file—if I really need to, I’ll open the copy of Chrome I keep installed for edge cases of browser compatability issues and open a link I need to view there. Everyone’s needs and restrictions are different, but that seems to work well enough for me.

If you’ll allow me one moment of expressing my illogical, pathetic hatred: I wish I had developed an addiction to a better website. Tildes, or 420chan, or AO3. Fucking Reddit, brain? Really?

What’s done is done, I suppose. Part of me publishing this on here is so I can add an element of finality to this divergence of mine, and so that I can have the nagging thought of further shame in my head: ‘What if I publicly admit I had to download an addon to stop myself from browsing Reddit, and then I cheat and do it anyway?’ Perish the thought. I’d rather have my teenage attempts at rap lyrics posted to my professional portfolio.

Fucking Reddit of all things, my God.